I met the friendliest cop last night
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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