The maid of honor just puked.
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
