yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
