The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
