come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize