are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
