Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Randomize
