Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
