FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
my liver is dry heaving
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
