I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I need a beard to bite.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
