Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I did not marry a roomba.
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