Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
