im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
