i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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