i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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