so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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