Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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