im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
