Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
