Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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