yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
