I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Someone came in the potted fern
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
