An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
