i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You're like the curious george of whores
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize