The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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