I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
