is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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