Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
