dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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