just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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