I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Randomize
