There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
