tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
