You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
