There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
