I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
