I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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