sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
