Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
