You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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