What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
