True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
