I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
