if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
