I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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