Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
