cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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