I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
