we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
