He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
