Please, let me fuck your mom
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I need to align my fucking chakras
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